my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
