No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
