I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize