I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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