we're chasing vodka with high fives
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im having a threesome with these popsicles
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
