How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
