the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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