OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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