I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
