Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
