He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
