There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
