What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
