Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
