I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
