so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This baby is an asshole
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
