he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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