I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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