Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
