yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
