I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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