Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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