If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The Olympian is in my bed
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize