Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
