oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
