your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
