That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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