after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
