you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
