My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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