i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
