I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
