After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize