How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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