Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
