I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
