you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
