Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
