Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
