Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
