Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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