so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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