I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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