So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
