My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
