My room smells like vodka and shame
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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