id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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