i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
