I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
