but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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