First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
