guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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