Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
