Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
