I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
