There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
