Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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