today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
