Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
