I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I need a beard to bite.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
