I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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