After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
